Ireland

"Raghav wait,listen to me you can't decide anything like this."

" Dad i have decided i am going to India no matter what you say, i don't want to speak about this anymore."

" you are too young, you don't understand the world son.. stop walking and listen to me."

" who is Madhurya Kulkarni dad? who is she? tell me this and i will listen to you."

"what? how do you know her?"

" that is not the answer to my question. Who is this woman?"

"Raghav did your mother and i not teach you respect? she is a friend from college, in fact my best friend."

" Best friend? or?? and do not talk about my mother."

" what?? Raghav what is wrong with you? yes she was more.. but that is long back."

"You cheated on mom? how could you?"

"Have you lost your mind? how can you even think i would cheat on sanghavi!! both of us, more than us you owe every thing to madhurya."

"Do not take her name, it is a good thing that she died."

"What?? "

"why dad?, are you sad? more than what you felt when mum...."

"shut up, you have no right to question my loyalty to sanghavi, she was my wife."

"yes, but she is my mother too, your girlfriend was the reason for her death."

"what the hell is wrong with you? madhurya? she could never be a reason for anyone's death.. your mother was an apple of her eye."

"mum ?? but.. what ever i am going to India."

"son, please listen to me..."

"son?? dad why don't you call your child with this Madhurya as son/daughter?"

"Raghav!!!"

"Enough M.r Akshay kashyap i am done with you, this house, your company every damn  thing you are related to you."

"Raghav!!"

"now what?"

"I love you son."

"bye dad."

DILEMMA

I open his second mail,

Dear Amy,

Now that i have humored you let me come to the point about your mail to me. Before i even begin to talk about it let me remind you  Amulya you are not a quitter, i understand very well how you must be feeling about being there but Amy it has been eight years... that place is your home no matter how much you deny it. When you left home you were young and you weren't able to decide but you have matured in past eight years and you are capable to cope and handle the situation. Amy you are Amulya Deshpande but sayuri still exists within you accept her and stay Amy don't run away from who you are... And read the letter your mother was an intelligent woman. Trust her.

with love ( no matter what you decide i am there for you)
Allan

after reading this, i feel a little relived as i always do when he tells me what to do. Most of the times when i am unable to decide i just have to listen to him i have developed enough trust on him that i listen to his decisions with out having to think twice. It is easier sometimes to just listen to some one rather than breaking one's head over something. I sigh and pick the letter from mum ma and take deep breath before opening it.

To Sayuri

I really hope you read this letter, and i believe you will eventually read this if not immediately. This empire is our dream, your father's and mine and it is as precious as you are to us, to me.. i know you will never understand it but this is nothing but truth. Sayuri please don't let any thing to happen to our dream it is your responsibility now... it is an humble request. I trust you to handle it.If i know you well you would have decided to give away the property..

BUT PLEASE DON'T GIVE IT TO ANUPAM.

your mum ma
Madhurya

what? i sigh! my mother has always been difficult to understand. I try to sleep ...

                                                                        ***
she wakes up choking to pitch darkness, gets up to drink water. She gets up from her bed, walks into the darkness to the second floor opens a door

there is a creak

"who is it?" a croaky male voice

"it is me." she replied

"Amulya??" he asked

"yes."

"are you okay? switch on the light. "

"yes, i want to just say i am staying here.. i am taking my responsibility good night." she walks away

"Amulya!!" he cried out
                                                                      *** 

A little amusement

I return home quite late. I am greeted by an angry Ameena, " where were you? we were worried. You did not receive calls.. don't you ever do that again."

"I am annoyed already, please let me be, i am not a kid any more Ameena please cut me some slack, don't make my stay more miserable than it already is." i say and leave for my room. Exhausted i decide to check my mails, there are few from my colleagues and from my boss regarding my return. I make a mental note to reply him once i get my plane tickets. A mail from Allan i am very happy and open it.

Dear Amy,
I am in France, it is very beautiful you must visit it, i am facing a little hard time as i don't know french. You would have been a great help i wouldn't have minded your blabbers.. ha ha kidding as always :-) but a hilarious thing happened. I met a beautiful girl, during the shoot. We got talking and enjoyed each other's company, so to celebrate the new acquaintance we decided to go for a dinner together and i wanted to impress her so i made a list of things one would need to say in a restaurant and looked up in the small dictionary u gifted me long back, while she had gone home to get ready.

So we went to this beautiful small cafe she was looking gorgeous and i thought to my self Allan boy! this is your chance and i decided to make most of it.  A waiter came to take our order and i jumped at the opportunity and insisted that i would place an order. She looked at me a little doubtfully.. alright a lot! but nodded.

i said  "Deux salade  de tomates si'll'vous plait." for two tomato salads, her face brightened and her smile broadened and my confidence grew.

i said "une boutiile du vin" for a bottle of wine, i could't pronounce the place's name and i didn't know the year in french so i showed him the menu. she looked at me, i thought she was speculating some thing. I was afraid of ruining my impression hence decided to order main course in impeccable french.

Hence, i glanced at the waiter and asked for "Deux plat du poison instead of poisson.."

 (i hope you are not laughing.. the pronunciation being hard and the difference being drastic..)

the waiter looked at me in shock  and cast a glance at her in a quizzing manner, she smiled slyly with a knowing nod. He sighed and left. She burst out laughing. I wondered what was wrong? she  calmed a bit and   said "do you know what you asked for?"

I nodded and said " yes for two main courses of fish".

she laughed her musical laugh again and said you pronounced it wrong, when i didn't look like i had understood she explained  " you asked for poison instead of fish."

I turned rouge with embarrassment, she said in a kind voice " my husband did the same mistake when we first met" and blushed scarlet

i mentally kicked my self as i had deluded my self into possibilities and asked her " you are married? sorry, but you look like a college student." she blushed deeper, but i was telling the truth. You should have seen her Amy you would have thought the same thing.

she said that she had been married for ten years and had two kids. At that moment the waiter arrived with our order, i stared the plates grimly and thought that this meal of poisson had indeed been poison for my reckless delusion. But she lifted my spirit with her chatter, she is an amazing woman, i am going to meet her family for dinner tomorrow.

check my next mail
mon amour
Allan

After i read this mail i was indeed happy, that is why i am so fond of Allan, he is witty and humorous and silly in his own way. He never failed to make me feel better even in this glum place and exhausted state he made me smile. my thoughts went back to the first day i met him.

I was sitting on the window pane of my dorm room and reading one of my favorite books ' Memoirs of a geisha' in which a geisha was named Sayuri. After i read the book for the first time i had wondered why my mum had named me after a geisha. When i asked her that she laughed and said " no sayuri, i didn't name you after anyone, Sayuri means small lily very pretty just like you." so i had wandered around happily and became fond of this name eventually. Well about how i met Allan, while i was reading the novel it slipped through my hand and fell out and hit some one on the back of his head.

I dashed through the stairs and went to apologize to the person, i first couldn't find him then i saw a cute guy with geeky glasses peering into the book.

I went to him and said "i am terribly sorry."

he looked at me and said " well miss you will have to bow as low as the olden day geisha would as mentioned in the book and ask for forgiveness," He chided

i started to laugh, he joined in and since then the laughter spell hasn't worn out. He and i started speaking about the book and our friendship clicked instantly. It is very easy to become his friend such a sweet heart he is, i still remember when i told him my mum called me Sayuri as an endearment. He said " well quite apt you do look like a small lily and mocked me for my humble 5.4 inches" of height. As days passed we became best buddies with all secrets shared between us. So he knew everything about me and i of him. We stood by each other during ups and downs, those jogs in the morning with him, innumerable arguments over books, movies, food, travel actually anything under the sun and we had each other's shoulder when one broke up. well his break ups surpassing mine by a good deal,,,, Held us  bond strongly.

i read the mail again and smiled for a few moments all my present worries had seemed distant, now that i remembered them i felt dull but i cheered at the thought of another mail from Allan, so i close this and click on the next one.
   

undecided

I reach the huge office. Uncle tells me to go into mum's cabin, i go in i see the bean bag on the corner with a small table. I used to sit here and colour, paint or read, when i used to come here with mum as a kid. I can remember my excited voice when mum finally agreed to place the bean bag in her office. "Mum ma please mum ma i don't like to sit on chair, you know that please get me a bean bag in that corner." I take deep breath and go to the bean bag and examine it. I am disturbed by a girl she says " ma'am Mr kulkarni and ms khan want to see you in the conference room. Kulkarni was my mother's maiden name. I follow the girl to the conference room.

 Ameena and Anupam uncle both are buried behind a stack of files and papers. I knock, they peer at me and signal me to sit and wait for sometime. I sit and stare dejectedly and  start day dreaming, i hear my name "Amulya are you listening?" i nod uncle sighs and says "here sign these" i take a pen to sign it "Amulya you have to read before signing." Ameena says, "I trust you two in any case it doesn't matter." i reply , she looks angry and questions "what do you mean?" i say " i am leaving the media house to the power of attorney to uncle and to look after  finances you are always there." she says curtly "are you out of your mind?" i don't react why was she angry? Uncle excuses himself.

"Precious i am sorry but this doesn't make sense to me. you must not let go." i still don't say anything she says "listen, think about it and then decide." she gets up and storms out of the room. I can't think why would it be wrong then i leave the room as well and go back to mum's cabin, I see her photo on the table what a woman she was,,, i see one photo where me, mum, dad, uncle and Ameena are in it all of us look so happy in the picture....

 I put the photo away, get up and roam around. i go to uncle's cabin and knock, he ushers me in i go sit in front of him, he smiles warmly and says " we didn't get a chance to speak. how are you? we were always so worried of you Amulya, especially your mother." i say " i am fine uncle, no one needs to worry about me, and there is nothing to speak." he says "Amulya i understand this is very difficult for you but that doesn't mean you should not give it a chance." I nod and leave without saying anything. he calls behind me "Amulya please come back i want to speak to you." I just say there is nothing to speak uncle i have decided what is good for me." i leave the office and take an auto to sankey tank.

i am not ready yet...

i can't open the envelope. i just keep it in a cupboard and try to sleep... but sleep abandons me.. i check the time it is 3 am...  my thoughts revolve around my past, the decisions i have to make.. and to my friend Allan, he has been my support system since four years. He is a photographer though he is from London, he hardly ever is in London, he is kind of a hippie.. when he is not in town i email him. I decide to write him a mail... I fetch my laptop and start writing.

To Dearest Allan,
How are you? i reached India only today and i already can't wait to get back. my mother hasn't changed anything in the house. Ameena still looks as beautiful as ever. Anupam uncle looks a little aged but still handsome and kind faced, like Richard Gere.  I wonder why he didn't ever get married?.. Before i start blabbering as i always do, let me tell you my feelings at the moment and in one word it is "AFRAID", i have to go to office tomorrow. Ameena gave me a letter from mum, it is addressed as "To Sayuri". But she does't exist for me any more i am Amulya  that's all and i am not going to open it. I still feel suffocated here. I will give everything away to Anupam uncle and leave as soon as possible.
waiting for your reply
with love
Amy

I decide to just close my eyes even if i don't get sleep, i toss, i turn and i move in a circle until i see a golden glow filtered through my curtains. I get up take a quick shower and go down to my garden to water plants. One of my favorite things to do. I see the swing where i used to curl up lazily during summer evenings and read.. It makes me smile, i look at the window on second floor behind me as i hear my name. It is Anupam uncle i wave at him and smile. I go inside and have a quite breakfast with Ameena and Anupam   uncle and later leave for office with them.

TO 'SAYURI'

she strokes my hair, I look up slightly embarrassed  she holds my hand and takes me to the bed and makes me sit, she seats herself on the old wooden rocking chair. I look at her, she smiles warmly. She was my mum's secretary and handles most of our finances more than that she was a dear friend of my mother mine too... she is the only person I have stayed in contact with all these years. She is a perfect blend of  compassion, passion, beauty and brain. She is one woman of tremendous power I must say.

  she extends her hand to take mine which has fallen limp on my lap, she asks "how are you precious? "  I manage to say "I am fine"  I feel like choking. Damn! this is what I did not want. I was perfectly fine with being away from this place. " have you been to your parents's room? " she asks I nod in denial. "You must... there is much which awaits you." Oh what now??  I can't handle anything more, I hate this place can't stand it any more.

 I am aware of her eyes on me but I don't say a word she sighs and she says rather reads " To sayuri" my heart skips a beat my mum calls me that, well rather called me that I don't lift my head I can't ... she places something next to me and leaves. I sigh!!  my thoughts go back to my mother I dig out the journal from the secret drawer which my dad had gifted me. I still hope my mother wouldn't have read it, it has nothing but people, incidents, the pranks I played or what I felt about something or some one. it still feels silly and childish to feel insecure about a journal but I still feel that way... 

I open the journal and see my mother's handwriting I freeze her handwriting is beautiful cursive and mine looks like something written hastily, I read  " oh sayuri you never seize to amaze me" I don't know how to react. We used to be really close once upon a time but I started differing with her as I became a teen. My dad became my world. She kept her reserve and was always patient. it made me wonder god!!  how can this woman be so calm and composed and poised always? she gave me a feeling of inadequacy in me no fault of hers but...

       She was a woman of grace and elegance, I on the other hand was nothing close to it. nor am I now. I could never understand how one could be like my mum she wore nothing but cotton and it suited her, cotton saree to office and cotton kurtha and jeans at home . one thing common between us is the cotton kurtha and jeans. yes, reading also other than that she was interested in cooking and business and my interest lies in painting,photography,travelling and writing... I look at the envelope and read again "to sayuri"....